The Life and Lies of Agent Phil Coulson
by Dancing-Shadows44
Summary: Mr. Phil Coulson, was an important sidekick, but never in the spotlight. So when Tony discovers the Agent's old diary, neon purple, I may add , it looks like it's time for Coulson to get his own breakthrough role... Phil-style. Shawarma, Sea World, and Easy-Bake ovens included.


**A/N: Just throwing this out here, I love Agent Coulson. He died, I cried, and then I started writing novels about him. How touching, right? Please do enjoy, and any chapter suggestions might be lovely because this is about the only sense of humor I possess. But do read and enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing about the Avengers, and the title of this story was originally borrowed from Harry Potter ("The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore," book six I do believe), but believe me, this is Coulson-style. ;D**

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"Heads up, Fury," Tony clumsily whips something in a neon purple hue at the unhappy commander's face.

"Um, that's _Commander _Fury to you, sir," Steve fidgets in his seat from across the room, giving Tony and his bubblegum pink T-shirt a very reproachful look.

"Yes, Mr. Stark, in all due resp-" But Fury is rudely cut off by no one other than the fabulous Tony Stark.

"C'mon, Mr. Freedom in Spandex doesn't like all this?" He raises an eyebrow and gestures to the horrific pink, _STARK INDUSTRIES _T-shirt with a rather obnoxious wink.

"God," Steve mutters under his breath and shakes his head. He would roll his eyes, but even he has to admit that Tony can have some good humor, despite the factor of annoying everyone so bad that even quiet Clint sometimes begged Fury to taze him.

"Stark! Rogers!" Fury barks, trying to remain poised as he adjusted his eye patch on his bald head. Steve immediately adjusts his shirt collar and sits upright, but Tony simply twiddles his thumbs and then gives a slow whistle.

"Tony, knock it off," Natasha grimaces, but a determined look crosses her face. She gives the huge pile of clutter on the floor a look and then glares at Tony.

"It was Steve."

"Leave Steve alone!" Natasha steps right by Fury without a word and places a comforting hand on Steve's shoulder, making him jump.

Tony doesn't throw another snarky comeback out, either because Fury is throwing him one evil eye, or because his mouth has been miraculously glued shut. And halleluiah if it's the latter of the two.

"Gentlemen," Fury sighs. Natasha lets out a very forced cough and removes her hand from the shoulder of a quite terrified Steve Rogers. The commander takes the memo. "Excuse me, and the lady, I may add. Dare I ask what the he-"

"Hey," Clint strides into the laboratory, slamming the heavy metal door shut behind him. He slings his bow over his shoulder and crosses the lab to stand by Natasha.

"Um, make that _two _ladies, Fury," A few very well-intended glares later and Tony apologizes with a shrug. "No, really Legolas, nice to see you again."

Fury loudly clears his throat. "As I was saying..." Instead he lets out an exasperated sigh as Tony rants on. He was rather like one of those parrots that never shuts up. He tries to listen to the words of his therapist over and over in his mind. _'Take a deep breath; think happy thoughts...'_

"What's all this?" Clint uses his bow to point to the string of objects lying on the crystal-clean floor, a color Stark referred to as a crisp, stark-white, pun very much intended.

"Commander Pirate's sorting through some of Agent's old junk," Tony leans back casually. Natasha and Steve both nod with him.

"And Dr. Banner's off being some medical phenomenon," Natasha adds.

"Oh," Clint slumps down against the wall. A puzzled look crosses his face. "I-Is that a _diary_?"

"Yes, that is what I have been trying to tell you all along! Tony threw it at my face," Fury holds the neon purple, bedazzled journal like it's a dead rat. The purple glint amidst his dark clothes and normal getup is quite comical, and even Steve can't contain a giggle when Fury stares at the floor, clearly embarrassed.

"Wait, that's _Coulson's_?" Clint gasps.

"Good eye, err, Hawkeye," Tony laughs. Fury looks, well, furious, so Tony clamps his mouth shut and beckons the commander to read whatever is in COulson's little diary.

"Maybe we shouldn't," Steve has a concerned expression on his face.

"Aw, is this because Thor's gone? Your little boyfri-"

"He's not..." Steve turns the color of a tomato and brushes some dirty blond hair out of his eyes.

"Hey, Tony," Natasha jeers. "Why is your shirt the same color as Clint's underwear?"

"Oh my..." Fury breathes.

Tony writhes in absolute glee. "Ooh, how'd you kn-"

"SILENCE!" Fury roars, clutching his head as if Stark-induced migraines had arisen.

"Do you have any beer?"

"SHUT IT, YOU MINDLESS BEAST! EVEN LOKI WAS LESS A NUISENCE THAN YOU!"

"Look, I'm sorry," Tony winces. The others nod along like bobbleheads, not wanting to feel the furious Fury's wrath. "I just did it to possibly enhance some of the story's humor and help the author out?"

"Oh-em-geee! Stark!" Clint gasps dramatically. "Hush it!"

"What? I can't even go out of context? C'mon, bro!"

"Ew, I'm not your bro, bro."

"Yes, Stark, you knew the script," Fury adds darkly. "And the deal. The soul for the script..."

"What?" A girly voice squeals.

"Never mind, Natasha, or Clint. I can never tell your voices apart," Tony quips. "Anyways, While we are all out of context, lets totally forget about the Agent's precious diary and talk! Okay, Rogers, you're doubling as the Human Torch and Natasha dear? Frankly, I'd always thought you had quite a striking semblance to Scarlett Johannson. And Dr. Banner is-"

"Tony, knock it off," Clint snaps. "We need to get the diary." He snatches it from the Fury's grip in a rather unladylike fashion.

"Hello, audience!" Steve squeaks as he waves upward. Natasha kicks him and he starts bawling and crawls into the corner, rocking back and forth. Everyone rolls their eyes. Steve's usually like that, and show him an ice cube and he'll be passed out for the rest of the day.

The whole team, Fury included and Dr. Banner excluded, crowd around Clint. Steve gives a sniffle and blows his nose on Tony's pink sleeve. Clint snickers, and is quickly followed by Natasha's high-pitched giggle. On the diary's front cover, peeling stickers of unicorns and shooting stars smile at the Avengers. One falls on Fury's leg, and he tries desperately to shake it off, with no result.

"Wow," Steve laughs breathlessly, reading the stenciled bubble letters on the front.

Amidst several scribbles of 'Property of Phil' and lo and behold, more unicorns, is the title:

_"The Epic Tale of the Life and Lies of Agent Coulson."_

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**A/N: Okay, more of the diary next chapter, so stay tuned! Favorites, reviews appreciated! Check out my other stories on my profile and enjoy!**


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